I go on night walks. I think I’ve mentioned this. For anyone who hasn’t been paying attention, my night walks consist of me wandering around my neighborhood at some point between 3 and 5 AM and taking pictures of things that catch my eye. I know that this sounds almost exactly like the M.O. of a peeping tom but the whole point is to share the pictures I take online. Reading that back I realize that doesn’t make it sound any better so I will clarify by saying that I take pictures of odd things I find and post them here to amuse you. I feel compelled to amuse people. It is one of my basic drives. That is my only explanation for what happened last night.

I found a box of condoms. What made it strange to me was that it wasn’t random trash in a field or on the street but it was in someone’s front yard right by the sidewalk. People, as I understand them, usually have a bit more discretion than that and so I thought, “This might be fun to share.” and I was about to take my phone out to take a picture but then I just stopped. It really wasn’t grabbing me. This box of condoms on someone’s front yard did not speak to my soul. I’m an artist after all and this just felt cheap. Beneath me. So I said “Thanks, but no thanks.” to the box of condoms and moved on.

It wasn’t long after that I had to sit and rest. My walks usually require two rest sessions. And while I was sitting on the concrete wall drinking water I looked down and I saw an empty packet of those sex pills you find at corner stores that have pictures of naked men and women with transcendent auras seemingly created by the physical act of lovemaking. This struck me as funny because my last walk had been a completely weed themed adventure and this one was shaping up to be a Fuck themed adventure. And again I was about to take a picture but again it just didn’t seem right. There wasn’t enough of a story. It’s just odd garbage which seems right up my street but GOD DAMNIT sometimes you just want more out of life. So it seemed like this was going to be a fruitless voyage. But then I had an inspiration and picked up the sex pill packet.

5 minutes later I was back at the box of condoms. It really wasn’t that far but for some reason a lot of cars had appeared and I just felt weird letting people see me stage such an uncouth photograph. As soon as the cars had gone I dropped the pill packet next to the condoms and I thought “Yes, that is worth taking a picture of.” It was Sodom and Gomorrah on a suburban lawn. Can you believe this filth? Can you believe what you can find when you go prowling in the middle of the night? I didn’t care that it was actually a lie. I lie all the time. I’m an artist. I’m no photographer though and the pictures I end up taking all suck but I don’t realize it till later. So I take the pictures and am about to walk off when I feel a pang of guilt about the trash I put there. I pick up the packet and look at the box of condoms and think “Well, shit.” So I pick up the box, which is empty, and start to walk away.

It is less than a minute before I realize how strange this picture must look. I am a bearded giant wandering the pre-dawn streets of San Antonio with a giant condom box in one hand and an empty sex pill packet in the other. I look like a crime. There are no public garbage cans nearby and my sense of decency will not let me just dump these things in a neighbor’s trash. So I walk as fast as I can back to my house, hoping no one will see me and no one does until I get right back to my yard and a passing car slows down for the speed bump in front of our driveway and they get a good look at what is probably one of the scariest things they have ever seen and they quickly speed away.

I dispose of the articles quickly and wash my hands several times. I see that all the pictures are terrible but choose the best one and post it online which I quickly take down because it was a real piece of blah. As usual this whole thing was yet another baffling series of events in my life that added up to nothing in terms of personal or professional growth. The only take away from last night’s excursion is this:

Homeowners, while you sleep there are strange men building smut tableaux on your lawn and taking pictures of them and there is nothing you can do about it.